Jaksie.com

Rock The Day . . I love a sudden trip out. Just a quick change of shoes, A swift wee, and a bit of lippy, Then I’m ready to go out and party. . .

Hallelujah. . . Trying on an old favourite Long relegated to the too-small pile And finding out that suddenly I actually can fasten the zip. . .

The Heebie Jeebies. . . Looking out from the window On such a moonlit night Is like being in a plot From a Dean R. Koontz novel. . .

Brighton. . . As a six year old child Down in sunny old Brighton She found all the fun Of a story by Blyton. She ran on the beach With a playmate called Babs And caught herself quite a big Bucket of crabs. . As a drunken teenager In sunny old Brighton The way she [...]

Secret Needs. . . Everyone has their habits, Mine is to keep my diary at hand To satisfy the feeling that I have forgotten something important. Which seems to me to be an improvement On the deeply wired compulsion Of someone who keeps a collection Of cheesy socks hidden under the bed. . .

Food For Thought. . . It is rude to eavesdrop and listen To other peoples’ conversations. You should not do it, but it is such fun, And you get lots of interesting news By that particular time honoured And most underhand method. It’s not for repeating mind you, Just for smiling about over a cup [...]

Last Post. . . I sat in the garden Beneath the wisteria, Opened my mail To feel rising hysteria. I need a huge gin now To really kick ass And help me believe That this feeling will pass. . .

They’re Tough Up North. . . How can you tell When it’s winter up North. It’s very easy really, Everyone adds a red nose To their usual outfit. How  can you tell When it’s summer up North. It’s very easy really, Everyone wears their usual outfit But the red nose goes. . .

Winter. . Winter is a red and blue time. The half of me that faces the fire Is always toasted to a bright red While the other side stays blue. . .

Spoonface. . . Seeing yourself in a spoon Is like seeing a secret you, One who is just under the surface And can always make you smile. . .

Certain Conditions Apply. . . When I fell for you You said you would do anything To make me happy, But you forgot to mention That the offer did not apply If footie is on the tele. . .

That Fucking Woodpecker. . . That fucking woodpecker Lives up our lane That fucking woodpecker Gives me a pain Thank fuck that woodpecker’s Stopped raising cain Oh fuck, that woodpecker’s Started again . .

Those Particular days. . . Some days it just just happens, Sometimes your sweater Is on the right way Sometimes it is inside out. All you can actually hope Is that on the days it goes awry You are wearing something With a very good designer label. . .

Flim Flam Man. . . But you are the flim flam man you come from Aberdeen you tell me you are serious but I don’t know where you’ve been. You’re always saying one thing while there’s hints of quite another, I wouldn’t trust you with my friends on even with my brother. There’s something not [...]

A Scottish Beach. . . The springtime beach is littered With turnips far and wide But I’m not at all perplexed because We’ve had a low Neap Tide . .

Early Morning Call. . . I am lying snug In a toasty morning bed Fighting the need to rise And go for a pee, But I can tell From my internal clock That this attempted lie in Will be of short duration. . .

A Faster love. . . I looked at you face to face To tell you that I  loved you And wanted you to commit only to me. Too late I saw the horror in your face. The trapped look and the falling of your eyes. It was all I needed, I did not need you [...]

Full Breakfast Menu. . . I have been lying in bed Entertaining myself for hours By imagining the infinite possibilities Afforded by breakfast. So far there have been Visions of kippers and toast, Oatmeal with sliced bananas, British bacon and eggs Or sliced Scottish bannocks. Imagine American grits With various accompaniments, And what about flavoursome [...]

It’s A Bloody Good Job I Love You. . . You are not a proper pet You won’t do anything you’re told You never fetch things when I ask You’re bloody feet are always cold. . You’re totally immune to rules You leave a mess each place you go And when I tell my mum [...]

Hot To Trot. . . Are you a robot Or what. Would any special trick I’ve got Turn you on to me Or not. .

. . . “Who the hell is that?” Is what they think now When they see their photograph. Inside, they still feel the same, So it is quite a shock sometimes. To see a human tortoise Gurning for the camera. It positively explains The dislike of the old For unauthorised photographs Taken by family paparazzi. [...]

Downtime. . . There is a lot of preparation, Planning, and the making of lists Involved in the production Of a full blown dinner party With signature dishes And carefully matched wines, But sometimes, to be truthful, I would just as soon give it a miss And make do with a nice banana . . [...]

Need An Inconvenient Pee. . . You are warm within the bedclothes But you sorely need a pee You wish that you could stay there But it is not meant to be. . .

Flybaby. . . Would I give up my arms If the trade meant that I Could make like a bird And have wings that could fly. . .

What sort Of Guard Dog Are You Then? . . Go buy a guard dog people said ‘Cos it’s not good to live alone, But you won’t even bloody bark Unless I throw your squeaky bone. . When strangers knock, you rush to play, You lick the people in the park, But I was truly [...]

The Waiting Game. . . Spontaneity adds ease To the social experience, It is an extended waiting time That leaches away the pleasure. . .

Cry Baby. . . It is not only your skin That grows thin with age, It also seems to fetch emotions Much nearer to the surface. Soon you can be brought to tears By news stories, or even adverts. It turns you into a proper softie, Unable to hold your water In more ways than [...]

Nothing Ts Perfect. . . You have to take The rough with the smooth. The beaches with pebbles The kippers with bones The tails on your prawns And the peaches with stones. . .

That’s Just Life Jim. . . When babies lie asleep With their pretty mouths open It’s all gummy pink suede And velvet pink tongues. Why then, when old people Fall asleep in their fire-you-out-chairs Do you see only a fallen back chin And a cosmic black hole. . .

Pore Pore Fing. . . Poor little bee Trapped in the window Frustrated by the glass. Don’t be so angry With your frenzied buzzing. I will give you a hand And carry you outside Safe within my fingers. Please don’t sting me Or else you will die And I don’t want that. You are a [...]

Eureka. . . My first eureka moment Came, behind a party door, The first time that I did it I was sure I wanted more. . The next eureka moment Came, when I was on a beach I saw you in a tanga With a bottom like a peach . The third eureka moment Came, [...]

spamalot . . i hate bloody spam why do they keep sending it. it is nice of them to worry in case i have erectile dysfunction and to make me kind offers to send me their on-line viagra and then find me a foreign wife, but I truly wish they would stick their mountain of [...]

Action Please.. . . You really are good looking You seemed born to play the part I was happy to audition you To steal my eager heart. Our casting couch was torrid You said all your lines to plan But I’m sorry to inform you That you’re not my leading man. .

Payback. . . Life isn’t always Easy to cope with. It can be painful Worrying and troublesome. I cannot complain though As I have often caused A great deal of pain Trouble and worry myself. . .

Stop buying Me Chocolates. . . This box of chocolates Is going to abuse me. I will try to put it away But it will call to me, Reminding me that it is there, Allowing me no peace From that constant siren call. It will give me no quarter Until I surrender the battle. . [...]

Fish Are Stupid! . . I don’t like watching fish. They are stupid things, Going around in circles And never arriving Always with their mouths open But having nothing to say. And they cannot dance. They are just like me. . .

What About Afterwards. . . Do people change When they die And go to heaven Or are they the same Spiteful nasty creatures That they are now Only in nicer accommodations. . .

Sounds Like Fun. . . Some people hanker for Japan Or want to see the Scillies Or walk on Paris boulevards To buy some naughty frillies. I’d like to see a special place, Dunno where it is exakerley, But if I had to make a choice I think I’d pick Fazakerley. . .

They Don’t Want To Be Pests. . . They don’t want to be pests But you’ll have to endure it. They try not to be pests But old age will assure it. They’ll pee on the floor Leave their keys in the door, Leave eyes in poe-tay-toes And squash your toe-may-toes, They’ll wander at night [...]

Moussaka. . . You always mock me when I watch Famous chefs on television, You say that they are not so special, Anyone can cook a simple dish. I sit here now, telling you That your Shepherd’s Pie is wonderful, But the truth of the matter is That it tastes like absolute crap. . .

Wandering Eye. . . You cannot be held responsible For your wandering eye, After all, if you had not glanced Across the pub in my direction Then I would not have had Any knowledge of what I had been missing. . .

Taking It to A new Level. . . Lying awake beside somebody Who could snore for England, I find it hard to believe I lie awake night after night Listening to this unworldly sound. I think I might have to go and try To sleep on the lumpy spare bed With a pillow over my [...]

Sage Advice Taken. . . When I said that you must improve, Must lift your level of play In this rush for love, I meant that you should look To improve development on the inside. I did not mean to suggest That you should buy an up-lift bra, But, then again, it will probably work! [...]

Hate Mail. . . I hate your face I hate your voice Why did I pick you When I had the choice. . How did the future Turn to shit, If I’d known the score I’d have cancelled it. . .

Comfort Food. . . You can travel the world Eat at Five Star expense, Learn a menu in French ‘Til it starts to make sense. . I still find when I’m down And need comfort the most There’s no thing can compare With some baked beans on toast. . .

Tectonic Plates By Any Other Name. . . Yesterday someone told me That earthquakes are caused By movement in the Teutonic plates. These are obviously The ones that are measured On the Baron Von Richter scale. . .

I Am Not Looking Under The Bed. . . I am not looking under the bed Before I go to sleep in it. That is for children And I am a grown adult. The only problem now,  is That I cannot get to sleep Because I did not look under the bed . .