Electrocution Is Against My Human Rights.
Hello,
.
My god, I am going blog mad today.
But I find that it occupies me whilst Big H is doing one of his interminable Sudoku puzzles.
It used to just be a Monday to Friday thingy in The Times, but now he has bought himself some Sudoku books, which have given him access to the bloody things at any hour of the day or night.
If he keeps this up, along with that impatient, distracted look he gets when I speak to him, and which I know is because he is secretly still trying to work out the maths.
I shall ritually kill him.
.
I could do it by deeply inserting said Sudoku books into all his body orifices.
Or by force feeding him his current favourite, OH BOY– OBERTO–BEEF JERKY ORIGINAL SNACK, made from solid strips of Premium Beef Steak, until he dies of sheer unadulterated enjoyment.
.
Or how about simply electrocuting him!
.
We own an old, high backed, green velvet Victorian chair, which was badly chewed up by our last dog, and it is unbelievably uncomfortable after a while.
It may be padded, but it makes you sit up straight, as if you were sitting upon a wooden church pew.
It also has very straight armrests.
No wonder it was taken to the salerooms by the previous owner, so an unwary fool like me could buy it, and suffer accordingly.
.
I could convert that into an Electric Chair, after the design of the approved American version, and use that as the instrument of his demise.
.
I just had a thought.
Do they electrocute women in that way too?
Oh my god, I would hate that.
Not so much the electrocution, but having the top of my head shaved so unbecomingly.
I would like to leave the world looking stylish, no matter how naughty I had been. Not looking like a fool.
.
Or what is even worse, an old fool.
.
I think I would tell them that it would be an extraordinarily cruel and unusual punishment to do that to a woman, and I would protest that it would surely be against my human rights to do so.
I would demand that they either electrocute me …OR… shave the top of my head, as my full and final punishment. Not both.
.
Anyway, Big H has just offered, nicely, and without any overt threats on my part, to go and make me some of his signature dish ‘poached eggs on toast’, so I am not going to kill him after all.
.
He has been given a reprieve for good conduct.
.
Besides, I quite like him sometimes.
.
Lots of love,
J
.
