Last post
Hi,
.
This might be my last post because I may be dying from food poisoning.
.
I will seriously resent it if I do come to such a rubbish, and not in the least bit stylish, kind of end, because I always imagined myself dying wonderfully!
But to die because bloody Spar is selling cottage cheese with chives, that is two days past the sell-by date, is just too rubbishy for words.
.
For God’s sake, I could die magnificently saving someone from certain death.
Perhaps by rescuing them from abduction by aliens, as we both wait at a lonely bus stop.
.
Or by snatching an old person up, and out of the way, of an oncoming car.
.
Or by swimming out to rescue an extremely handsome older male film star from a rip tide…..no, not that one, because I cannot swim.
.
Anyway you can surely get the idea.
But to die because of old cottage cheese is bloody silly.
.
Actually today I was going to tell you how nice Spar was, because this evening when I went to buy the aforementioned cottage cheese with chives, they gave me some old bread for the birds, for nothing, because it was well out of date.
But now, because they are trying to kill me, I have totally changed my mind!
.
I shall tell you something else about Spar.
.
A year or so ago I bought a small but expensive packet of mixed nuts from them and got a horrible shock.
At that particular time I had a real obsession with these particular nuts. Somewhat like the present unexplainable need for well toasted Warburton’s potato pancakes which I am experiencing at the moment.
.
Anyway, to get back to the nuts.
.
There I was necking a huge glass of unbelievably cheap but perfectly drinkable ( if you are not too particular ) Spar white wine.
It was one of their usual three for ten pounds offers.
Suddenly, for some strange reason, I stopped and looked closely at the next Spar Luxury Mix almond ,which I was about to put in my mouth.
.
UUUURGH!
.
It was full of little eggs, held in place by some kind of web stuff.
When I looked closely I saw that the middle of the almond was full of these eggs.
.
I was so horrified that I wrote a furious letter to the Spar head office, just as soon as I had put my fingers down my throat and made myself vomit until I could not bring anything more up.
I stuck both the half filled packet and the offending nut onto the letter, both sealed in little self-closing plastic bags.
.
A short while later I received a letter back saying that they did not know how such a thing could have happened and promising that they would check thoroughly and let me know their findings as they care about their customers.
.
Do they hell! I have not heard a word since.
.
But looking on the bright side. I did find that wondering how many insect eggs I had already consumed before I looked closely at that particular nut, was, instantly and completely, the end of that particular obsession.
.
Because I am blessed with far too fertile an imagination, I am sure that I can already feel my stomach churning as the Salmonella and that other thing pregnant women get from soft cheese, are beginning their awful work.
.
I have told Big H that if I die he must sue them immediately just for spite.
And money of course.
Well goodbye to you all, possibly forever.
-
Goodbye.
-
And remember to check your sell by dates if you shop at Spar.
.
From the possibly ‘soon -to-be-late’ Jaksie
.
-
PS: It’s Listeria. Thank God I am just old and not pregnant.
