My Computer May Be Planning To Kill Us.

Hello Dear Peeps,

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Now, as I have been telling you for a long time, my computer is evil and Spawn of the devil.

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The nasty creature regularly mocks me by removing whole pages of my work, refusing to switch on or off, and by generally causing me to have immense tantrums caused by it’s unceasing guerrilla tactics.

It does these unholy things in order to demonstrate it’s power over me, and to generally amuse itself.

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Well, I don’t wish to scare you, but lately it has rapidly been getting worse.

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I believe that sometimes infernal machine live with us, and encourage each other to do their work, offering both help and demonic suggestions.

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This was clearly demonstrated by the last phone I had, which would never do anything for me at all.

Sometimes it would mysteriously just lose all it’s power, and not work, no matter when I had recharged it.

Right from the time Big H bought it for me, it decided to keep telling me I was on an aeroplane and then asking me if it was all right to be switched on.

This process took ages and I could never make a really quick call.

After consulting the various mavens that you are encouraged to go to for help, and the seller, I was finally told to just use it that way and put up with the annoyance it caused.

OK, I got used to that.

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What I never got used to was the frequency of my trying to make calls, and being told that it was busy, and I should try again later.

It did not matter what time of the day, or day of the week it was, I would have to read that it was too busy to help me make a call.

My permanent fear was always that the nasty thing would decide to do that at some time when I was out by mys,elf in a dark, lonely place, late at night, and in desperate need of a quick taxi, or a call to Big H, and then it would tell me to try again later because it was far too busy.

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Too BUSY!

what the hell was it always too busy doing…watching television….reading a book.   getting high!

No, of course not, it was having a laugh!

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I eventually got rid of it, but I think that our computer has been similarly led into wickedness, in the same way.

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It is so strange lately that I am getting worried by it.

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I have also noticed that it keeps entangling it’s cables around my legs when I am sitting at it, so that when I try to walk away I often stumble, and this is getting me worried now.

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You see, I believe that it’s plan is to topple me over, so that I strike my temple upon one of the big brass balls ornamenting our heavy, brass fire surround.

It will then watch me die from the force of the impact.

Step One in it’s cunning plan for domination.

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Afterwards, it will be there, hanging around beside the mourners after my funeral, looking suitably sad, whilst inwardly gloating…and preparing for ….Step Two.

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This will be when it deliberately electrocutes Big H, and subjects him to a horrible death.

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The successfully murderous thing will then leave poor Big H lying all black, fried and crispy, upon the settee, and get quickly on with it’s Third Step.

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This will be to use e mails, seeming to emanate from Big H,  to fall out with everyone we have normal contact with, until they are all totally pissed off and permanently estranged.

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Then it will carry out Part Four of it’s dastardly and cunning plan.

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It will order all the goodies and special bits that it’s little mind desires, from Computer World and Radio Shack, and then on to the last Phase.

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It will, with the aid of other equally wicked machines, carry out an amazing theft of monetary funds of unbelievable proportions, all executed with great brilliance and panache.

Thus allowing it to set up standing orders and instructions etc., so that it can continue to happily live in our house for many, many, years to come.

Always acting totally unknown and in complete secrecy, under the far from benign gaze of it’s vanquished  one-time owner. The deeply fried Big H.

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See what I mean?

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Be afraid…be very afraid!

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J. (as yet still the real one)

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W

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